Not so alone.

Well, in my last post I didn't say that someone invited me to sleep over.

So, not so alone.

Thank you. I love my choir friends. Why can't they go to my school?

I'll probably scare/wierd out this girl's friends. I don't even have an outfit that would totally fit in with normalness for my age. Haha, I didn't even realize how differently I dress until I tried to find an outfit that would make me look preppy/normal. Although I suppose if I wear that pink Aero shirt I got as an experiment with my greenish shorts, it might look normal.

I don't care though.

Okay.

Yeah. I haven't been here since I was gone. Not in town.

God. I'm so alone.

New stuff.

First of all, there's the trailer for Harry Potter 6:

The actor for the young Tom Riddle looked nothing like I thought he should, but I liked his voice. The younger Dumbledore also didn't look the way I wanted, but I'm not casting, they are.

Then...

NEW SANJAYA MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been waiting for this since he was voted off of American Idol. The songs are amazing.

First, there's "Quintessential Lullaby" .East Indian style music fused with techno make up the backing track and fit perfectly with Sanjaya's voice. The lyrics are intelligent and thoughtful, unlike a lot of music now. Best of all, "Quintessential Lullaby" is written by Sanjaya and his sister Shyamali. This song is my favorite of the two for sure.

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Then, there's "You Will Never (Find A Guy Like Me)". It's a pop song that, at the beginning, sounds like it would fit right in with maybe Metro Station's "Shake It". But a few seconds later, the backing track starts sounding more mature and sort of jazzy or Latin. With the addition of Sanjaya's smooth, gentle voice and his and his sister's lyrics, it's transformed into- yes, a good single. But also, an amazing song for any album, that wouldn't have to be a single to get popular- one of those songs that fans would rave about and try to get made into a radio single.

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YAY HAPPY HAPPY

So, I can't go to Warped Tour, but I found out that Anberlin is going on a headlining US tour this fall with Scary Kids Scaring Kids, Straylight Run, and There For Tomorrow.

I was incredibly happy to hear this. This tour means a bunch of things:

1. I can probably go- even if it's a day my parents work I'm guessing I can get a ride.
2. Anberlin plays longer than at Warped.
3. Anberlin might play (*Fin).
4. I'll probably like the other bands which means NEW MUSIC :)
5. I can buy the awesome sweatshirt I saw on their site.

So, I'm very very super excited now and I definitely don't care as much about missing Warped. Here are some links if anyone wants to see:

http://www.stereotruth.net/2008/07/anberlin-announces-new-surrender-tour/

http://www.jesusfreakhideout.com/news/2008/07/23.Anberlin%20Announce%20Fall%20Tour%20In%20Support%20Of%20New%20Surrender.asp

http://www.punkbands.com/news/14992/

My own lyrics.

This is what comes of listening to almost entirely Death Cab and Anberlin for several weeks:

We've tried and tried
To get through to your elemental mind
To make you ask what's beyond
The obvious and the oblivious
And make you see what really is

But still nothing takes you
Nothing makes you feel
Nothing makes you wonder
And I'm sorry...

Because there's so much more than just them or you
And the way that he walks down the hallway
And the way your shirt is never pink

But still nothing takes you
Nothing makes you feel
Nothing makes you wonder
And i'm sorry

And i just hope the music makes you..
Think.

These are my own lyrics. I don't know if they're finished yet, and I know they're probably crap.

But I wanted to share this with you guys, especially anyone from Daze if you're reading this. I don't know if you know who I am yet, but maybe someday you will.

A lot of stuff

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see
Is where else you could be when you're at home
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
And you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
'Cause you knew you were finally free

'Cause all you see is where else you could be when you're at home
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone

And all you see is where else you could be when you're at home
There on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone

- Death Cab for Cutie, "Your Heart Is An Empty Room"

I love this song. When I listen to it, it seems like Ben Gibbard wrote it just for me. It's pretty much what I think- I don't have a lot of friends and a lot of times I do wish I could be somewhere else, and with someone, whether it be a boyfriend or just my best friend who moved away. I know this makes me sound emo, and I'm sorry, but I'm also pretty sure no one reads this so it's OK.
There are a lot of songs that mean a lot to me, some just because they're beautiful, but some because they have meaning for me. This is one of the ones with meaning.
I've been listening to it all the time lately. I want to tell people about it and make Rachel listen to it, but she'd just make fun of it. She likes some of the same music as me, but music is different for her. It doesn't seem to mean much to her, it's just what she listens to if she doesn't happen to be doing something else. Also, she likes Paramore, but that's a different issue.

I had an amazing time at swim lessons today. It was cold out and no one wanted to go in the water but me, so we tried to get each other in the water. One of the guy JUs (junior instructor) was being a wuss so one of us pushed him in and I put his flip-flops in the water. I made sure they weren't leather or anything first though. :P Actually, I was doing a favor for him because the shoes will look better and smell better after the chlorine. Ha.

kids

i helped out with lessons at the pool today.
it was fun. it's really pretty because even though it's a public pool with slides and fountainy things and stuff, there are trees all around it and it's built on a hill. i love sitting on top of the high dive, which you're allowed to do before lessons start, because if you fall off it what's the big deal? you're supposed to fall/jump/dive off it. you can see everything from it. i don't really like going off it because i don't enjoy falling for long distances, and this is a really long distance, but sitting on it is awesome.
i love working with the little kids, too. even if they've never seen you before, they trust you and want you to catch them when they jump in the deep end. i wish everyone would be like that.

shout out.

i would just like to say hello to everyone on daze if you're reading this.
a few weeks ago, my post about boys was made into a topic on dazeoffire.com and i think some of you are still reading this, like i do for some blogs that are posted there.
daze is the best web site ever and i'd like to thank everyone on it for talking to me and just making my life better day by day.

The Unwinding Cable Car

Emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed, just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love (Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart


i listen to this song over and over again lately. it's as though Stephen is singing to me, not about me but exactly the words i'd like to hear and the words i'd like to say.
the guitar part, the part where they first start strumming, sounds exactly like my life put to music. i know that sounds corny, but that's really what i think about it.
it's like they took my thoughts and put them into chords.

hello again.

and yes, i know i haven't been here in a while.
there just isn't always that much to talk about and nothing really happens that's that interesting, at least not on a day-to-day basis.
one of our family's friends had a party that i went to, which was interesting. when we were in the pool all my brother's friends decided to have a war against me, but at least later i got to talk about music stuff with my brother's friend's brother who's about my age.
i also got some amazing shoes that i love. they're sort of checkered, but sort of not. it's hard to explain. they look sort of like vans sneakers, the kind that aren't skate shoes, but i like them better with that style. plus, they go with all my dark clothes, which is awesome because other than those shoes no shoes or sandals go with my dark stuff.
i'm sure that was very illuminating to you. if anyone is reading this...thank you.

internet stuff

i love talking to people over the internet.
i know i don't know them and i don't usually even give out my name, let alone my age or city or picture. i always get freaked out by people who do- don't they know there's more people out there than their friends? then again, maybe they don't. i wouldn't have a few years ago.

one of the reasons talking online is so fun is that there's almost always someone who shares your interests. i used to have the IM screen names of some people on my favorite Sanjaya web sites, but i lost them. i still like Sanjaya, not as a potential boyfriend but i admire his singing and persistence in the field, even though people made fun of him etc, etc.

i love going on music web sites like absolutepunk.net and the anberlin boards and talking about music and bands. music is probably my #1 interest- as you can probably see from my other posts. the only problem i have with online posts is how to type. i don't want to seem juvenile, like a fifth-grade Jonas Brothers fangirl, but i also don't want to seem too much older than i am.
i used to type with capitals and proper grammar and everything. i like typing that way a lot, in fact sometimes i still do. i've always been able to spell and use correct grammar and it bothers me when people don't.

the way i type right now is because of Stephen Christian (Anberlin). i think he's really cool. he's an amazing lyricist and actually, he wrote a book, The Orphaned Anything's (and yes, there is an apostrophe in the title. i believe it's a grammar mistake). he wrote his entire book with no capitals, just like i'm doing here. on the forums that i post on, usually i just type how i feel like- with caps or not.

i'm sure this has been a very boring post, so i don't blame you if you didn't read all of it (or any of it, for that matter).

my best friend.

so, i love almost all rock.
listening to "scream aim fire" today, i thought of my best friend.
she moved away. her family is very, very Christian. i used to be just like her: i listened only to Christian music, we wore the same size everything and had the same opinions about everything. gradually we became different from each other: i stopped liking Christian music and started listening to, at first pop but then alternative and all types of rock. i started dressing darker and playing guitar.

it seems like i'm always the one who changes, and although i know it can't be true, i can't help but wonder what she thinks.

does she care about my clothes? does my music matter to her? does she wish i hadn't started guitar?
or am i still the same person to her?

mostly i do things that i like and i don't care a lot about what other people think. sometimes, though, i wonder.

boys

most of the girls in my school are boy-crazy.
i've never been that way. i remember listening to my friends talk about boys at sleepovers

who do you like?
corbin bleu, he's so hot!
well, i like this guy on the baseball team....
who do you like?
nobody.
come on, you can tell us.
i really don't like anyone.

and i didn't until last year. i had watched one episode of "american idol" but i swim at night so i missed most of them. it was "british invasion night" and i had off swimming or wasn't there for some reason. i was watching it and all of a sudden there was this guy.
i didn't know his name and i was just watching him until my dad said something about how i thought he was cute, just meant as a joke
... and all of a sudden, i did. the guy, i found out, was Sanjaya Malakar. i really, really, really liked him. i never told my family, just some of my friends. i had a crush on him until November of last year. i would daydream- and sometimes dream at night- about him. i loved his attitude and his voice and his pretty hair.
after that i only liked two people, one of which a girl in my class found out about and told everyone about.
there were a lot of rumors about me going around then.

Independence Day, late

happy Independence Day to everyone out there in America!

music

i'm listening to a song that's not by van halen but with screaming, endless screaming over van halen's "eruption".
something i wish i could play, actually i wish i could play any amazing guitar solo like that.
like the guy at the guitar store with the afro trying out guitars and amps...any excuse to keep playing the amazing jackson electric.
and then there's me.
i'm actually happy about my guitar playing lately. i can play the chords for "the unwinding cable car". it's so freaking amazing, even though i still can't play C# or the bar chord in B. but so what? i edited B. i can play it. i skip C# and sing a cappela. i'm sure my family is sick of "the unwinding cable car" by now.
i don't care.
i just want to keep playing and playing.
oh and see anberlin, the most amazing band ever, at warped.
at least i'm finally getting calluses on my pinkie.

warped

in about 3 weeks the vans warped tour is coming to my city.
this is a concert i would love to go to. anberlin is, in my opinion, the most amazing band ever, and they're actually playing the mainstage. however it runs for almost 12 hours, my parents don't understand that yes, i would like to go to a concert for that long, and neither of them wants to go. but, i have to get an older person to go with me.

the group of friends i mentioned before is going and my mom told me i should ask them.

ask them? hello? they don't even bother to speak to me most of the time. why would they want to go with me?

let me in.

at school i don't try to be popular. i listen to alt rock. i dress differently than everyone, sort of a rock style i guess.

a few months ago, i was putting names in google to see what would happen. for most of them, i didn't find anything- maybe a track meet record but nothing i'd want to know about.
i put in the name of a girl in my math class, someone i don't really know but that (sometimes) listens to good music. voila, there's her youtube account.

well, on her account there were links to all her friends' pages. they aren't popular in the normal way like OHEMGEE HE'S SO HOT AND I LOVE ABERCROMBIE etc etc. they just are cool. i know all of them but i'm not really good friends with any of them.

one of them posted videos of her and them, just hanging out and having fun together. i know that one of them has a life that's not as perfect as it seems like. and one of them gets bad grades. but they're all so happy. watching their videos, seeing what they typed about each other, i can't help but wish they would let me in.